I am from Iowa so I can say this.  Thank God their caucus’ are over tonight.  The average Iowan has been subjected to more pounds of hot air per person than anywhere else in the United States.  It is a wonder there is any air left in Iowa.  And the rest of us have been forced into being witnesses to the prolific misuse of hot hot air.

Regular folks in Iowa can’t even eat their lunch in peace.  A story in the Wall Street Journal told about a life long Republican, a senior citizen who was eating his lunch in his favorite restaurant and in walks Hillary Clinton and a bevy of media and secret service folks and who knows who else.  He has never liked either of  the Clintons and has to slink down low so she doesn’t see him and come over to him.  Now that is a situation no American should have to be subjected to.  When faced with being cornered by a politician, every American should be guaranteed the right to be able to duck down a side street of their choice.  Perhaps campaigns should be required to send out a runner ahead of the candidate warning everyone that they are approaching.   That way people who don’t want to be bothered could get out of the way.

Imagine being bombarded by TV ads for months and months on end, getting piles of glossy junk mail you don’t want, and listening to those annoying canned phone messages all hours of the day.  I wouldn’t blame Iowans for demanding a special privacy law where one could “opt out” of the political ad blizzard.  Of course, all this hoopla brings in millions of dollars to the state and of course one has to take that into consideration before being too critical of the whole process.

In fact, perhaps Iowans could create a whole new industry called POLITICALOPINIONATING.  Since politicians are apparently willing to spend millions of dollars just to curry the favor of otherwise sensible people, why not make Politicalopinionating a full time industry?  Instead of bothering with having a Congress, whenever the country is facing a major issue, just have the pros and cons of the issue presented to Iowans for them to “Caucus” on it.  Paid volunteers could be sent swarming over every corner of the state to badger the citizens into sharing their opinions.  Individual Iowans who “cacus” could be paid a fee for their participation.  It would probably be more entertaining and cheaper than having a Congress where people are paid for doing nothing.

Iowans have to put up with alot these days.  Not only do innocent people have to dodge political zealots, but suppose they want to get stay in Des Moines over the Christmas Holidays.   Why they couldn’t do it because every room has been taken up with TV talking heads who can spend hours explaining that a race is too close to call.   I just hope they charge plenty to all those New Yawk and Warshington experts to stay at the Best Western out in Clive.

To top things off, Iowans have had to suffer the indignaty of having their own politicians put a tax on pumpkins if they are used for decorations, but not if they are used for making pies.  Who is gonna follow Eldon Farmsmith home to see if his grandkids carve them up or if his wife bakes pies with them?  I tell you it is going to teach a whole generation of God fearing people to learn to lie.  Like Meridith Wilson said in the famous song Music Man song, trouble starts with the letter P except it isn’t P for pool, it is P for Pumpkins.  I think if any of these presidential candidates wanted to do some good, they would take a strong position on the pumpkin tax.  Better yet, maybe the whole state could have a pumpkin party just like the Boston Tea party only they could throw all the pumpkins they can gather together into Spirit Lake or the Mississippi River.

For the sake of the country lets all just say “No Way” to the IOwa-way.  No more cornering innocent senior citizens who are just trying to eat their lunch in peace.  No more annoying junk mail.  Lets support Iowa moving their cacus day back to November 2, long after both parties have held their nominating convention. I like the guy who was interviewed on TV tonight when he said ” I will vote for any politician who leaves me alone”.  Finally, a voice of reason in the media wilderness we know and love as Iowa.

Kirby V. Nielsen January 3, 2007